It's Christmas, which means a lot of togetherness, family, and opening the box from Amazon and realizing it doesn't include everything you ordered so now you have to contact customer service and you know the crap won't arrive until January. The thing is, I've always loved Christmas to an unhealthy degree. Not that Christmas club in one war after another though, because, honey, they don't like me for many reasons. Christmas is such a fun, joyful time, even with its tragedies and hardships and parenting hell.
They say you can never go home again and it's true. you can't I burned your house and built a rising cane over it. But I've always wanted to recapture that childhood sense of magic. Not only the joy of giving beautiful gifts to your loved ones or receiving unique gifts from the ones you love, but not much else is known as a 'video game fan'. I just said, I've been given several controller sized new mugs and not one of them is actually usable due to the physics of liquids.
where was i Oh, Christmas. The joy of childhood. That excitement, fear, anxiety and eagerness and expectant mother makes you too tired to go to Christmas Mass. So I've created a list of Christmas-themed games that bring back a sense of childhood joy in me. Some new, some old, all going into my rotation like the best television Christmas specials. But every single one of them is going to make you feel like a kid running down the stairs before you cry yourself to sleep.
Parasitic eve
Parasite Haw takes place around the Christmas season. We know this because in the game's opening scenes, we get a shot of a giant tree with ornaments that say 'Merry Christmas 1997'. Big clue there. And then the bad woman uses mitochondria to set fire to a bunch of well-dressed people at the opera. That really becomes a big focus of the game, for better or worse.
So why is Parasite Eve on the list? Because it's a horror RPG that takes place during Christmas. It involves what every kid dreams of: getting super powers for Christmas. Forget about getting video games or board games or board games based on video games.
And Christmas itself is a scary holiday! The Victorians used to tell ghost stories on December 25th. Everywhere there is a magical fear. The city is empty! The zoo is empty! With the holiday you've got a free run of the Natural History Museum. However, the police station is also empty. It's just you, some helpful other cops, Manhattan, super powers, and blowing up the mutated monsters of God's birthday. No child would choose anything else.
HD in Santa Claus Trouble
This is a remaster of an old game from the early 2000s. Maybe you remember. It's kind of a weird, semi-okay 3D platformer in which you collect gifts. It's not bad or broken by any means, but if you finish this game, you actually become the next Santa Claus. They changed the rules where you don't have to kill the last one like in the Tim Allen movie. That was based on actual reporting, you know.
I've got Santa Claus in Trouble HD on the list because it's exactly the kind of cheap, free game kids play during holidays, both past and present. Many of you don't remember receiving holiday shareware gifts with hundreds of Christmas-themed games, all of which were truly terrible ripoffs of more popular titles.
That's how I feel when I play Santa Claus in Trouble HD. It's not an amazing game, or a great game, or a good game, but it's boring. It's the kind of thing your parents push in front of you to shut you up about Santa. Thankfully, moms and dads have kept that tradition alive to this day.
Tetris effect
I don't know if it's Christmas themed or not, but that stage in Tetris Effect where there's a bunch of glowing ornaments feels pretty December 25th-y. Regardless, it gave me chills the first time I hit virtual reality, a sentence no adult should ever repeat.
A big problem in a small chimney
There are actually a few roguelite games featuring Santa. Also, Vampire Survivors has clearly sold many indie developers on reverse bullet hells. The best way to make money in the video game industry is to copy a formula that's already super successful and just hope you have the Marvel license and the desire to make those superheroes as sexy as possible.
But Vampire Survivors is a perfect Christmas game formula: you excitedly open presents and hope you get what you want. And you know what I mean. If it's the right weapon or armor you're thrilled. You're very frustrated with an item that doesn't mesh at all with your playthrough. Nothing is more Christmas than the joy and sorrow of opening presents. It could be the Nintendo 64. It could be socks. No one knows and for some reason the box is the same size.
A big problem in a small chimney throws off the best formula, so this is one that comes up on the list. It goes hard, but it's not too violent for innovation. It's also clearly an independent game, but at least it doesn't look like it was put together overnight at a game programming bootcamp. It's fun and silly and has this side of tongue-in-cheek to be fun without being too cheesy.
PowerWash Simulator
As children, our parents forced us to spend days cleaning the house before Christmas. This was mainly because Christmas was the only day that all my relatives came to our house. Most of the holidays were at my grandmother's, but we took Christmas off—probably because my Florida grandmother was Jewish and had no children at home.
Oh, man, we had to clean up. Windows. the floor You're on your knees scrubbing the metal track under a sliding door. We were little kids doing all the repairs and punching holes in the walls. You name it, we clean it. We cleaned the power. We washed. We have power washed it.
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Besides being as relaxing as a game in general, PowerWash Simulator has a Santa's Workshop level that reminds me of being seven years old and cutting bushes using electric hedge trimmers that were almost as heavy as I was. There's a sick, unhealthy joy in knowing that, once all this junk is cleared away, Christmas happens.
I'm sure it's a little crazy to be indifferent to a deep clean because of the threats of judgmental aunts and uncles, but that was Christmas for me. Playing this game – and especially the seasonal stages – is reminiscent of that simpler, more labor-intensive time. Thinking back, I'm not sure my parents gave a damn about cleaning.
The Sims
You can celebrate Christmas in The Sims! You can get a Christmas tree! You can celebrate! You can invite friends and give them gifts in hopes that they will want to kiss you. As the series progresses, this time there are official and unofficial ways to design the perfect Christmas home without the kids crying.
It goes without saying that recreating my childhood home and childhood Christmas is ultimately a psychologically self-destructive act. But it's the only way I can literally go home again. I can make it better. Grandma Lori and Grandpa Shelly are back in the land of the living and look more bored than ever! Morbid thoughts aside, it's pretty cool throwing a Christmas party for my virtual friends. Pretty cool to go to any party, I bet.
Animal Crossing
Almost everything I wrote about Sims applies to the GameCube version of Animal Crossing. Why the GameCube version? Because you can play real Nintendo games on it. In theory, you can pretend you're receiving the greatest gifts 1985 has to offer. The fact that it is less convenient than any other emulated version doesn't matter. You are receiving a video game as a gift and the game features a Christmas icon. done
Christmas Nights in Dreams
That lowercase “i” in Christmas Nights is going to kill me. Not important.
Christmas Nights in Dreams was originally supposed to be a fun little demo for the main game on the Sega Saturn. Instead, it became a holiday tradition. Which makes sense because Christmas nights feel the closest I can imagine to sugar plums dancing in my head. Of all the games on this list, Christmas Nights seems to represent the purest magic of this holiday.
You're playing the same basic game as Nights but with Christmas stuff sprinkled in with a whole bunch of Easter eggs that can change depending on whether you're playing near the game or on holiday. It's sweet, it's catchy, and it makes you want more triple-A companies to produce more Christmas games. Or at least it makes me want to. You probably want better graphics or something.
Battle of the Gods
Ah, yes, baby! Time to fight Santa Claus with Jesus Christ! Hell, Santa Claus is taking on all the gods in the Fight of Gods.
What is God's battle? I'm glad you asked, even if you haven't figured it out yet! As you've probably guessed through the power of context, Battle of Gods is a fighting game in which you play as various religious figures. I was going to say 'god' but Moses is there and he's not really God. He'd love to hit you with those stone tablets with the Ten Commandments, though!
God of War is not a good game. Absolutely. This is a shovel. It's also a game I've put dozens of hours into and bought more than once. Everything is so stupid in God of War. so funny And what is funnier than fighting games with Santa Claus? Although Matt Stone and Trey Parker first did it a decade ago, you can finally determine who Holiday really is.
Seriously, Santa is so silly in this game that it works. Her hollow-voiced, single-take 'Merry Christmas' makes me laugh so hard. The same is true of Christmas. Revel in nonsense and nonsense. Allowing Saint Nicholas to beat Anubis. Also, Fight of Gods captures the nostalgic feeling of you and your siblings slapping the crap out of each other. Merry Christmas, you fools!
- issued
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September 16, 2002
- ESRB
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e
- Engine
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Havoc
