What to do if a woman asks you for advice on a video game you play

We've all been there. It has been the best of us. You buy a video game you've been waiting for and spend dozens of hours enjoying it, only to discover the worst thing that could ever happen: a woman consulted it.

It's scarier than waking up to burglars in your house because at least with burglars you don't feel cheated! Who knows what poison is in those games? Who knows what thoughts occupy space in your pure mind? But don't worry. We are going to get through this together. Here's what to do if a woman consults you on a video game you play, even if it's just a woman who became semi-famous because you spent 15 years about the middle YouTube series.

This is only advice for those who have already played and enjoyed the game advised by a woman. If you haven't bought any games yet, great. You don't have to, even if it's finally on the Game of the Year list. They cannot be trusted. Unless it's on any game of the year list, at which point they can be trusted and it was clear to everyone that it was going to happen.

If a game consulted by a woman sells well, it's because of deception or some brave soul saved it from within. If a game consulted by a woman sells poorly, it's because a woman consulted on it. These are unbreakable laws of nature. But this conversation is for those who happen to enjoy consulting a woman.

You might enjoy it, and that's bad

First of all, stay calm. You've just been through a high-speed car crash or the traumatic experience of not getting a Steam controller even though you opened the page a minute after the orders went live. It makes sense that you're shaking and you shouldn't push yourself immediately to react to the horror of some frau enjoying having her disgusting mitts on you, especially if you're past the withdrawal period.

Think about it: What if you actually enjoyed one of his contributions? Yes, you don't know what he contributed or even if he contributed anything, and you were already enjoying the game, but sometimes we have to burn down the whole house to stop the spider.

Next, it is important to find out what kind of woman she is so that you know how to get crazy. Does he have a foreign sounding name? Do you have dyed hair in the photo you're looking for? And the biggest: Did she make a series of nugatory videos a decade and a half ago that would be completely forgotten and instantly forgotten if people crazy about it didn't bring it up every three months like they first discovered it?

These are all worth considering and all normal, good reasons to be angry at a game without knowing about their contribution before you play and have a good time. That said, there's always a chance that the counselor was just an attractive woman they just used for bub stuff, so who's to say if everything she did was bad?

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Don't fall for hypocrisy

Miles in his evolved suit in Spider-Man 2.

Here's an important step: Before you vent your anger online, be sure to delete any previous posts where you praised the game. You might have compared it positively against games that you already knew were consulted by a woman! It's not hiding the fact that you were enjoying something without knowing a girl was involved, it's just that you're correcting yourself for your thoughts to be true now. How do you know your thoughts are wrong until someone tells you? And if you get any crap from people on social media for it, just say, “Your side does it too!”

Has the right response and a Mariana Trench-level depth of insight. Ignore the fact that it annoys you when other people do it for the games you still love. Ignore the fact that the industry may have major problems like unfinished games, whimsical season passes, following trends dead on release, mass cuts, and prices that are choking consumers out of playing anything that isn't Roblox. Just because those problems are big doesn't mean they're emotionally distressing.

Here's the really good news: you've now got a scapegoat for anything you don't like about the game. What if a character in the sequel doesn't look the way you want it to? Could be a woman! If the game nerfs your favorite strategy? Could be a woman! If the game isn't as fun as another, completely different game do you still like it? I mean, she made a somewhat obvious point that most of the stories in the games were about saving the princess! That was the first domino to fall in Western civilization and one worth staying angry at well into adulthood.

You can put it in a review and say it online, which is your God-given right, but we strongly caution that this will likely make that consultant more famous. Look at the cretins on the other side doing this: one of your favorites has probably been the target of angry online blue-haired leftist liberals and those streamers who get more brand sponsorships from razor companies can charge more for agreeing with you on issues.

This is the biggest cultural issue of our time

But it's comforting to know that the complex process of developing a game that works, pleases multiple financiers, deals with time crunches, and can appeal to dozens of markets that were clearly designated only to those who can make the company look good.

Which is a little confusing, because you don't find out she's hired until later. Which means the company hid it from you! They were trying to point out virtue without pointing anyone out! And now you can't even see where virtue is hiding in the sign! Is there another definition of the normality of evil?

Finally, remember that a woman who consults in that game cannot hurt you. If you think she must hate games and gamers because she has opinions about games while working on games and playing games. And if he's making the game as bad as you worry, like we said, the company will eventually be punished by the market for it. What happened to Concord, a game that failed because of its diverse-yet-fiercely-soft characters, and not because it seemed to come out at any time when everyone was tired of both the genre and the neon-sign-in-space Guardians of the Galaxy knock-off.

You may never get that $20-$80 back, and you may have lost hundreds of hours of fun you thought you were having under false pretenses, but at least you know now and you can get over it. Sometimes we have to avoid the sunk cost fallacy, cut our losses and focus elsewhere. After all, aren't there more important fights to fight about online, like whether or not pragmatism gets people pregnant?